Hope you’re all well.
It’s exactly a month today since Mr B and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary and it was beautiful … but also … very different from our previous celebrations…
Primarily because we went away with our little bundle of joy… Prince Josiah!
It was a beautiful experience to take him away with us as “us” had just been Mr B and I for such a long time and there are quite a few things to adjust/ get used to when you have a little one in tow… I’ll do a completely separate post about how life has changed when a baby comes into the mix soon.
But this post is about how I’ve recently found myself in a place where God is really teaching me about what’s most important to Him.
These kind of lessons are the ones that can be painful at times and the kind that we don’t really like to have to go through – but then in the end – we’re happy we showed up for “class”. I’ve had a number of these kind of lessons in my life and each time I’m thrust into the “classroom”, God reveals some excruciating truths about my life which has an effect that I could only equate to the sound of nails being dragged across the classroom chalk board (The older folk will get what I mean here … What with these new white boards and interactive models lol). But you get my point.
When God decides to sit you down and reveal some home truths about yourself to you – it’s hard to hear – and it’s hard to take in.
For me – the lesson God has been schooling me on is WHAT IT REALLY MEANS TO BE A WIFE!
You see… It’s easy for anyone to make an idol out of anything and that includes marriage. Having a marriage ministry is beautiful and I feel so blessed being able to share parts of my marital life with others and being able to encourage other wives and those about to be married or still trusting God for their life partner.
What brings me so much joy is praying with and standing in agreement with young women and then receiving the news from them that wedding bells are around the corner! Or that they’ve been trying for a child and God has now done it for them. Words can’t express the absolute JOY I feel at hearing such news from my blog followers and friends.
God truly is awesome! And I’m so grateful for His choosing “little Ol’ me” to have this role…
However!!!! He has also made it clear to me that what I had been equating with being a wife – really in essence is just surface matter… I will explain in more detail now…
The past three years of my marriage have just been a whirlwind of AWESOMENESS!!!
Total AWESOMENESS!!! I can’t lie. God truly has blessed me with THE MOST WONDERFUL HUSBAND And long may it continue in Jesus’ name!
But what God is teaching me right now is: all of the things that I equated with that AWESOMENESS are not necessarily what makes a marriage – or what makes me to be a good wife…
When I first got married… Mr B and I moved into our flat not too far from my family home (about 20 mins drive away). I was ready to start my new “wife life”! That meant designing and decorating my home exactly the way I wanted it… Stocking up MY kitchen cupboards with foods I wanted to cook and meals I wanted to experiment with… (Mr B has been the perfect guinea pig for all of my cooking experiments with new recipes lol. For a hardcore Nigerian man he’s been surprisingly open with just a bit of persuasion to indulge in a zucchini dish or two … or the plethora of Jamie Oliver recipes from my “Hello Fresh” food boxes lol!)
I was able to arrange… rearrange… and arrange again – all of the home decor, furniture, little trinkets, scented candles etc and the beautiful canvas pictures that depicted the things Mr B and I love about life – our wedding and holiday photos, pictures of family and friends and that beautiful “MadMen” canvas peice we used to have in our hall way…
All of those things … coupled with Mr B coming home from work everyday and my days revolving around the schedule of going in to check on my company, going in to college to lecture, checking in with friends, spending moments at my mum’s house and rushing back out in time to do the grocery shopping and planning and making the meals for Mr B’s dinner that evening and enjoying being snuggled up with him each night watching our favourite shows…Is what I defined as “Wife Life.”
…Or praying together everyday – having our Bible study and Holy Communion together each week, walking around the house naked and letting it all out lol (It’s literally one of the greatest feelings to come home from Church on a Sunday and kick off your heels and “smart clothes” and start preparing the Sunday lunch in the buff! No restrictions! Lol!) … Again… for the past 3 years… “Wife Life”…
God gave us our greatest joy: PRINCE JOSIAH! And in the same month… Mr B got a new job … outside London with paid for accommodation as one of its perks… Thus we made the decision for me to move back into my mum’s house so I wouldn’t be alone with a new born and I’d have my mum and my siblings around to help. It was a no brainier and made perfect sense: Mr B would come home at the weekends…We would save some money and build back our savings after recently making a very good but expensive investment and I would have family around the house to help me with my first born.
And then that’s when God called me to the classroom!
He could see that after the move back into my mum’s house… deep down inside… I had begun to feel unappreciative. I was beginning to feel a void in my heart because I didn’t have my wedding and holiday pictures displayed beautifully around my house… because all of our possessions from the past three years were now confined to a room in my mum’s house or in storage … because I didn’t have 100% free reign over how I wanted the kitchen cupboards organised – or the final say over which foods to stock the fridge with … (writing this now it all sounds so silly really… Thank you God for forgiving me for being so foolish lol – but it’s truly how I was feeling)
I was also feeling that void because I was only seeing my boo on weekends, when he would embark on a 3 hour drive back down to London on a Friday evening and the weekends would fly by in a whirlwind of visitors and well wishers who had come to see our little new born or going out for friends’birthday dinners on a Saturday – and then church services and baby showers on a Sunday – and before you knew it… Sunday evening would be upon us.
And the dreaded knowledge that he would be embarking on that journey of what seemed like endless roads, motorways and shadows, a journey designed to separate us and frustrate the VERY ESSENCE OF MY BEING (Ok! A bit over the top there! But remember you’re still rather emotional from all the pregnancy hormones when you’ve just had a baby lol) …would be playing on my mind as I’d watch Mr B packing his bags and kissing Prince Josiah goodbye until we see him again next week…
Well… God was watching everything (as He does). He watched me going through all of those emotions as I was throwing myself the biggest pitty party … and I was there thinking: I’m not a real wife anymore! I’m not able to plan my husband’s daily meals or snuggle up with him each evening and watch our favourite shows or have our spontaneous date nights or just sit in his lap on our sofa and whisper into his ear or hold hands with him each morning and say our daily prayers or see him playing and praying with his first child… his new born baby boy unless it’s at the weekends…
And still… God was watching me. You know, the God that we serve is SO PATIENT… and LOVING… and KIND. But just because He has those attributes doesn’t mean He accepts foolishness lol!
In my mind, I see Him watching me going on and on about how I don’t feel like a proper wife anymore because my routine has changed … or because I had an argument with my older brother during the week over who’s turn it was to use the washing machine which wouldn’t have happened if I was still in my marrital home… Or because for some strange reason, I couldn’t seem to find all of the forks from my cutlery sets that we brought over from our place when we moved in (SO SO petty I know!! – They’re still missing by the way…)
God must have been watching all of this and then in the midst of ALL of that PATIENCE and LOVE and KINDNESS, He must have been like: IT IS TIME!!! And then He literally dragged me into the classroom and said: (American Accent) Sit Yo Ass Down Girl! 😂
Lol! Ok so it wasn’t exactly like that! But God really did tell me some home truths and “schooled” me! That’s when He showed me that what I had equated with being a good wife or having a good marriage for the past three years – yes are good and nice attributes – but it’s not the be all and end all!
Being a wife goes beyond having free reign of how you design the living room or what foods you stock your kitchen cupboards with! Being a wife isn’t defined by how often you can walk around the house naked and dance for your husband or by having complete matching sets of cutlery (That one was probably the hardest one for me to accept lol but it’s true 🍴🍴🍴) … It EVEN goes beyond being able to physically read your Bible every day with your husband!
God showed me that it’s the HEART that He focuses on. I’m always preaching about how marriage is more than the choice of flowers, the set up of the reception venue and the colour of the aso ebi on the wedding day – but God gave me a piece of my own medicine and showed me that all of those things that I had been “mourning” the loss of – were things that had become like idols.
Now I don’t want to say those things are not important… because they ARE! A wife should take the upmost pride in her home … in the set up of it and the routine and and atmosphere she creates for her husband and for their marriage in the home. It’s vital and essential and the Bible itself says A Wise Woman Builds Her Home (Proverbs 14:1).
However… It doesn’t say A Wise Woman Has Matching Sets of Cutlery! Lol! As wives… we are not to pin the entire existence of ourselves or the entire existence of our marriages onto these things … but onto God!
And that’s the lesson God is teaching me right now. Not too long ago I was pouring my heart out to an old friend and that’s when he said: Lola… you know … sometimes in life we need to take a step back in order to spring forward… God’s got great plans for you!
As soon as he said it, the penny dropped! God is so good! He has his own unique way of teaching us lessons – and they’re not always of the enjoyable and fun sort … but we are so appreciative of them in the end. God has truly taught me that all that I thought was a blessed and blissful marriage – while yes it has been awesome – There’s still so much more awesomeness to come! And that’s because He’s enabled Mr B and I to hold on to and to cherish the true values of a marriage without the usual conventional set up. If your marriage is simply built on the fact that you as husband and wife see each other every day and you have a routine that you always stick to and all of your possessions are always in the right place … just the way you like it… then what will happen if/when change comes? A baby comes into the mix? Family members come to stay – or you go to stay with family members?
In this life – so many things can change. Just imagine all of the situations you’ve been in when the smallest of changes have occurred and they’ve caused you to become frustrated with yourselves and with each other … And you know how we women can have a slight tendency to be emotional at times that may cause us to overreact… well… imagine trying to deal with BIG changes ALL at the SAME time, whilst still recovering from the MESSY MAGIC (it’s the only way I can logically describe it) of childbirth, sprinkled with ALL of the hormonal emotions that come with that package… sooner or later… someone’s bound to snap or feel like they don’t have it together anymore!
Our marriages need to be built on the solid rock and on the foundation of Christ … And not on which brand of butter goes in the fridge! Lol! Prayer is most definitely what has helped Mr B and I through this period. We may not be able to physically pray together every day anymore – but thank God for technology. We can still pray over the phone during the week and Prince Josiah can hear his Papa’s voice each morning.
Being a wife is about being there for your husband spiritually above all else. If you’re not the one praying for him then who is? Because it may just be Becky With The Good Hair! God forbid! Lol! Standing by your husband during times of change and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with him and to pour out your feelings together so that you can both pray on it together and so that you can both embrace Big and Small changes TOGETHER … is what really makes a wife.
I’m so grateful to God for revealing to me where I needed to check myself. For forcing me to take a step back. It’s not easy but we thank God for His grace. I look forward to the day when soon, by His mercy … We will be springing forward into the life as God has ordained it to be for us, with Mr B working close to home and we can have our own home again as our own little family… and with our matching cutlery lol 🙈
But in the meantime… I’m grateful for the lesson and for knowing and understanding what it really means to be a wife. And I’m also incredibly grateful to my mother who has welcomed us with open arms back into her home. She’s absolutely smitten with her grandson and is always encouraging us. And a huge thank you to my siblings who are always ready to jump in and help whenever Prince J feels like Right Now is the perfect moment to not give mummy a break! Lol! Praise God for family!
So a word of encouragement for everyone out there … whatever you’re trusting God for… be greatful for the journey and the lessons you’re learning along the way because it’s all to help you spring forward into a new and better situation.