Holla from Barcelona!
Hi lovelies, hope you’re all enjoying the weather as the Summer months creep up on us . I know I sure am making the most of it out here in sunny Spain because you can’t really trust the weather in London, even when it’s supposed to be Summer!
Before I start, I’d like to say a big thank you to all of the new recent followers of the blog from Singapore, Malaysia, Bulgaria, Botswana and Norway. I appreciate you all and I pray that you will be blessed by the different discussions that come up.
I’m so happy that wherever you are in the world, you’re feeling encouraged and I also pray that God will encourage and inspire you through the blog ❤️
So… Today I want to talk about arguments. Everyday I read a daily devotion called Word For Today by UCB and a couple of days ago it spoke about dealing with arguments in marriage- as in what happens after the argument? How do both parties react and behave around each other after? How do you avoid getting into unnecessary arguments in the first place?
Is it really as simple as Kiss and Make Up?
My husband and I don’t actually really argue – which sounds strange to some – but it’s the truth. We obviously don’t agree on the same things all the time but we would always talk it through and work out what’s the best cause of action or the best decision to make… My favourite line is: well… Is it what God wants for us? You can’t really argue with what God wants lol. But for that to work, you both have to be in tune spiritually to know what God is saying to you both about any matter.
When I first got married, I thought I was already rather wise and mature for my age, but wisdom is the kind of thing that grows as we grow… But only if we feed it what it needs: The Word of God, Discipline, Correction, A heart for learning and the understanding of forgiveness.
Back then, if Mr B and I disagreed on something, I would be quick to point out why I thought he was wrong and why I thought that I was right. Not in a condemning or judgemental way…. But just out of the desperation of making sure that he saw that he was clearly wrong and I was clearly right… Right? Wrong!
Although we didn’t argue per se, instances like that would call for misunderstandings and a lack of me even beginning to try and see things from his point of view. I would say that for the first six months of our marriage, God truly humbled me and allowed me to see that there’s a way for two people to both be totally right about something and yet their views can also be in total opposition. So what was the solution to such a situation?
I’ll give you an example of what I mean… We have a specific savings account which is to be used for our future children’s school fees (when that time comes)… And I believed it made sense to keep on saving and depositing into the account for their fees each month. Mr B believed it didn’t make sense to do that because interest rates were not going to help it grow to the more than substantial amount we would need to put twin boys and a daughter to follow (in Jesus’ name) through private school from primary school to university. He said we should invest in something that would yield a high return that was more fit for the purpose.
For me, it seemed unfathomable to not put money away each month towards such a cause. For him, it seemed unfathomable to keep putting money away each month towards such a cause when there would be very little return from it for the purpose for which it is intended.
As you can see… We both felt we were right in our own way…
At first I tried everything under the sun to convince him as to why I was still right – regardless of interest rates and all that banking mumbo jumbo jargon. And he tried everything under the sun to convince his determined wife why he was right. This went back and forth, back and forth without any progression on either of our parts.
Growing up, I had always been the mature and sensible one (when it came to serious things anyway… In other matters, my friends would say I’m more of a joker… But I digress…) I was generally always in the right when it came to making the right decisions about a matter. I believe this is why I found it so difficult to accept the fact that I could be wrong in this matter or to accept the fact that Mr B was also making a lot of sense in what he was saying too.
That’s when God taught me that it is possible for two people to both be right about something. The question is, how do you now move forward? And how are you treating each other during these times of disagreement? Despite your differing views are you still using appropriate and respectful language? Are you still being kind and loving to one another? If you’re with someone who is so nice and sweet 99.5% of the time but turns into a “cursing and bleeping Incredible Hulk smashing” kind of guy whenever you have an argument…
Some people really get lost in themselves and in their desire to prove the other person wrong that other things might come out in the argument that are beyond hurtful and when it’s all been said and done and the dust has settled… It won’t be as simple as “kiss and makeup”… You may even need “make-up” to mask your bruises if you’re with someone who becomes physically violent when lost in the heat of an argument … And if they’re not physically violent, no amount of “make-up” could ever truly hide the emotional bruises that can be inflicted in such heated moments, especially when they have been inflicted by the one you love the most.
The Bible says “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry” (James 1:19) It’s not just written in there because God felt like putting it there… He wants us to follow it as an instruction and as a guideline for our own good… And for the good of our relationships and marital homes.
I thank God that both Mr B and I are rather placid and calm in nature – although he claims he wasn’t before and that I’ve made him this way (It’s God not me ooooh lol) but either way I thank God that these placid personalities do help us to be calm in situations of disagreement but ultimately we made active decisions to always put God first in everything and anything we do and say in our marriage.
When we were still dating (because we knew marriage was always the goal for us) we wrote out our prayer confessions for our marriage there and then – and that included never going to bed angry with each other.
I admit it’s eaiser said than done lol. It was easy to write those confessions together, hand in hand with love in our eyes and hope in our hearts, longing for the day to one day come …years down the line when we wouldn’t have to leave each other every night, where I wouldn’t have to beg him to stay a bit longer whilst also being fearful of the fact that he might miss the last train…
And there was no nookie before marriage or sleeping over anywhere so my man had to go home lol…so it’s safe to say that back then, whatever disagreements had come our way, they were EASILY dissolved before nightfall when we had to part ways yet again.
In marriage however, it’s not as easy to resolve matters before you go to bed.
Sometimes you just don’t want to give them the satisfaction of even letting them know that they’ve annoyed you… Or sometimes you feel like tonight is just not the time to go over it – when you just want to unwind and sort out things for the next day and sometimes… Even having to talk about it might fill you with more anger as you replay the whole thing in your mind and you may end up saying something that will make it even worse…
But that’s where God comes into it. He knows that we can’t do these things in our own strength. We can’t do a lot of things in our own strength actually lol … And that’s why He’s sent his Holy Spirit to help us. (2Corinthians 12:9)
Directly asking the Holy Spirit to be engaged in your situation and to take control has been the best help for me. If I’m ever in a situation where I feel like Mr B won’t be happy about what I’ve done (eg… Buying more cushions for our bedroom because I feel like we just don’t have enough and he feels like 20 is way too much…) before I get home, I would pray and say: Holy Spirit please take control… Please don’t let Dayo be angry or upset.
Now sometimes… When I do get home, he’s all smiles and happy – despite the fact that I had thought he might have been upset about such things as – me coming home a bit too late after dinner with the girls because we got carried away at our monthly dinners lol – and I’m just like: Thank you Jesus!
Because there is nothing better than peace and harmony and laughter in the home. No one wants to live in a home where they don’t feel comfortable with their spouse … Even the Bible says “It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.” (Proverbs 21:9)
But sometimes, like when I come home with even more cushions and pillows for the bedroom, he’s not all smiles lol but he will, after a while make a joke about it and the peace and harmony etc has been restored. It’s not easy to do things like that but the Holy Spirit does strengthen us and He helps us to see the bigger picture each time. Is it worth being moody and creating an awkward atmosphere in the home just to prove a point? No!
At the end of the day, we all want to be happy and happiness is a choice. If you choose God to be the source of your happiness in your marriage then it makes it easier to forgive your spouse when they annoy you or when you don’t agree on something.
It makes it easier to take the time out to talk it through together, to discuss the differences, to work it out and to kiss and make up before bed… And do other bedroom activities that make it all better if you know what I mean… (Only for the married folk)
I’ll just point out now that the talking and discussing MUST HAPPEN BEFORE THE SEX! Because in so many relationships, sex is used as the reconciliation and not as a result of the reconciliation … The famous “Make Up Sex” is good but having sex doesn’t make all of the issues go away. You can’t orgasm away your arguments.
They have to be properly dealt with. The husband can’t assume that just because they’ve had sex, everything is ok. The wife would feel used and her voice would not have been heard. And it works the other way round too. A wife can’t just turn on her charms and assume that everything is sorted because she’s allowed her husband to finally feel her breasts and do the deed.
Once you have both taken that time out to go over the issue and pray about it together if needs be, and you have truly forgiven each other, then would be the perfect time to come together as husband and wife, feeling reassured and happy and willing to make love to each other and to enjoy each other, and not going to bed feeling angry or still harbouring unforgiveness and malice towards your spouse.
“Don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26)
So to resolve the matter between Mr B and I, it required me humbling myself and asking God for direction and for Him to just lead the way and take control… I had to remember and embrace the fact that a wise woman builds her home and doesn’t tear it down. (Proverbs 14:1).
I had to see reason and remember that though I was right, he was right too and that above all, we love each other and we needed to do what was best for the good of our home, marriage, and our future children. In the end, we combined both of our ideas. We decided to continue depositing an amount each month into that savings account (my idea) – in order to build up a substantial amount which would then be invested in a project that would yield an even higher return (his idea).
Faith, Hope and Love,
Mrs B x